No title.

I am officially on a leave of absence as Managing Director of Balagan Theatre.

Jake took me to dinner and asked me to step back for a while and let myself heal. He's not wrong to ask me to do that, either as my colleague or my friend. I know what he's trying to be most of all is a friend right now.

One one hand, I'm relieved. I do need to rest and get better. If I could possibly afford it, I would leave town for a while, but I can hardly pay my bills right now. My anxiety is still high and I could desperately use a real vacation.

On the other hand, now I have less of a reason to get up in the morning. I also have much less reason to care about my company. I'm already feeling disconnected and used, I don't have an artistic stake and I barely have a financial stake. Now I feel like nothing I do matters and I'm expendable and what the hell am I here for anyway?

Now what?

I've been fantasizing about moving away. With Jinny's move coming up, there's less reason for me to stick around. However, I finally have a good support network here, and I shouldn't throw that away. The only places I would care to move to right now are New York, which seems like a bad idea at the moment even if I keep fantasizing about it, or New Zealand, which is better but requires much more money. Not that I have any money for anything, because if I did I'd just go away for a while and the whole thing would be moot.

Also, I seem to still be doing the same amount of work.

I don't know how this is supposed to function, but I'm pretty sure that's not it.